A space to B

On my 21st birthday my godfather wrote to me signing off from his duties, and gave me some advice: 'The important thing is to be happy, for that means you are being sensible and creative; and to make others happy, for that means that you are a rounded and thoughtful human being.'
To be happy and to infer happiness is not only important, it is the main gift we have to give and to receive as human beings. Frequently I find that being reasonable, creative, and having opportunities to be thoughtful is joyful- as well as being practical, logical and what is needed!

There was a deep sense of joy today- acceptance of what was presented happened peacefully. I watched judgements come up and be let go of. There were even brief experiences of freedom, experiences which came in sharing smiles with strangers, feeling sunshine SPILL across the wide sky, walking slowly through the streets, seeing the invisible beggars, elderly and unfashionable, and seeing Spring open its heart again. The misconception here is that freedom is brief but it is in fact a permanent culture-conscious culture. To cultivate it I must nurture that within me which witnesses creation, clears my vision and strengthens my discrimination- the practice of being.

I am once again looking forward to sharing the journey with you.

Change of Address

Today I found the page from the notepad that Remy had first written his name and number on when I met him living on the street. It is a symbol of the friendship that began that day, that came about as a result of seeing something in each other that was not different, but the same. A shared belief that there is always a part of oneself that is perfect and unchanging, that goes about without ideas or limitations and can help where there is a need, can love where there is someone needing loving, can be free and healthy regardless of age or denomination.

Remy is a bright deep soul who has been moved from the mental hospital near Victoria and been relocated to Vancouver, Canada. When we last met this was not what he wanted to happen, but I think he thrives on change and new people, on finding a way beyond his immediate schizophrenia to establish that part of himself which is 100% capable. It resolves my part in the story, knowing that his independent spirit will carry him and ensure he survives, and that really all I ever was, was a mirror for his heart to see he did not to be afraid of himself. The piece of paper is symbolic and I am just like the piece of paper, a symbol of the fact he became able to trust again.

I feel no need to hear how he is, but if I do, that is also easy to meet. Mental health, physical well-being, supportive friends...these are all things I can take for granted. But Remy showed me that these are great treasures, that I am incredibly fortunate and for that, I salute him...Mr Remy John Roy.

Working from the heart

Remy was standing outside the hospital and just like the first time we met, I felt the pull of his spirit. A spirit who loves endlessly, fully, generously, sometimes addictively...but who is always looking for more opportunities to love. In a situation where he is literally surrounded by insanity I find it amazing that he has found hope and friendship, and is constantly reaching out to those around him in the mental hospital to disconnect them from their minds, and bring them into some aspect of the real world.

This time we met we spent a short time together having coffee; all the baristas know him and he proudly showed me the Costa t-shirt one of the staff has gifted to him! I could see that his heart was back in the game. His head, as ever bright and articulate, is still clouded by confusing circumstances. There is a deep desire within him to find real peace, a direction and a destination, but it is a desire that is aggitated by the numerous practical and medical questions he is facing.

It is clear that it is not my purpose to provide money, a job, a place to stay. I am here because he trusts me, he knows I am writing this and he knows that what I have seen in him is his true self. It is necessary to drop fear, drop agenda, drop personal interest and to just stay open-hearted, offering to listen with love. I hope that what I hear will in some way reflect back at him and he will see it is the same perfect love in play, because in fact, we are no different.

Out of the Blue

The phone rang. I picked it up and it was Remy. My first reaction was slightly shocked.

Over the last few weeks he has come to mind often. I have questioned what unity really is if I couldn't find a way to connect with this man, but I have also known that I couldn't reach out to someone who was being threatening. You might remember, he had suggested that people I knew might also be involved in the conspiracy against him and that as a private spy, I could bring them to settle with him over the £millions he felt he was owed.

Well, he has since undergone cognitive behavioural therapy and rang to apologise. He rang to apologise for his anger, for the endless conspiracy theories he had insisted were true. Whilst he still feels there is an injustice to be righted, the sound in his voice was one of reason, one of practical understanding. He knows how far he has come to face his demons, and that there is further to go, but to have seen even that is quite exceptional.

It is a small miracle that has taken me beyond my small world of frustrations and busyness to connect with someone who's inner work continues to blow me away.

The end of the A line

This is about seeing anger, letting it play its role and letting it go without judgement.

As I listened once again to the angry story of my friend from the street, now in a central London mental hospital, the destructive quality of his repetitive belief in a quite probably fabricated situation came home to me. I stopped him, again, and again, and again.

I know stopping him isn't going to cure the schizophrenia but it is going to disallow it from being what I see in him. As I have said before, I don't see the story, its truths or lies or where its landed him, as being what frames how I came to know this man. I see that it is a shared compassion, a shared connection with something beyond all the ideas. It is a deep calm gentle space, but in order to get to that space anger has a role to play.

It can burn off the illusion, and can quiet the ego; its impact can be forceful enough to fight with what is dark and untrue. This is the anger I am learning about, but I also see that there is an end to any anger, shortly after it has come into play. And in the wake of anger, it is important to reconnect with love and remember the deep calm gentle space that lies beyond it. That is real.

Existence flows

Perhaps I had been a bit naive. A conversation with two medical students revealed the likelihood of Remy, my friend from the street, being paranoid schizophrenic, even if mildly. I had known that it wasn't just his story that had led me to him so hadn't considered fully the implications of his medical condition. However, on reflection following the medics observations and a further call with Remy in the mental hospital he has been sectioned to, I could immediately see the traits of an illness.

The interesting thing is that the love and role of me as a person who he can trust doesn't change as a result. Listening, even when educated as to the illness, is still an incredible remedy to the sound of a disturbed angry and frustrated mind. His exhaustion is clearly linked with the endless energy of creating an imaginary existence, but this flows away when he is actually connecting with someone.

Growing the connection with that which is conscious and not fabricated or governed by external conditions seems incredibly important. We stop travelling away from what is available in the here and now and sink deeply into that which does not change. And the true blessing is that which does not change really is perfect, complete and free, whoever we are and wherever we find ourselves.

Three short discoveries on letting go of fear

Number one: The tears that come

I had sat and told her that I knew that I had so much love to give and it was so easy to offer, but that deep down I was afraid I might love and give all my life and never be fully loved myself.

"Don't be afraid" she told me "of course you have fears, we all do, but that is just what they are, fears. By letting go of each fear you experience, by seeing it and what it is, you don't have to be that fear or be governed by it."

And the tears became a celebration of no longer needing to hold on to that fear, a gift of relief from the heaviest and most deeply carried burden.


Number two: Meandering

Cycling through London it seemed everyone in their cars was swearing and almost crying with the frustration of being a driver in rush hour. I imagined a film in which those awful moments when drivers really lose it, when they assault other road users, when they scream at themselves, were shown. Followed by the statement 'There is another way. Cycle'

Then a cyclist cut up another cyclist and they were swearing and everyone was annoyed at the log jam on the cycle lane. Nobody could see how beautiful the light was as the sun was in the final throws of setting.

So rather than stay on the main roads with everyone speeding to get to their next destination I took a different route. I didn't think about which way I would go or how convenient or fast it would be, I slowed right down and saw beautiful buildings and people walking along, enjoying the slight Autumn chill creeping in. If there is ever the option, if there is ever no real need to rush, we should take the time to let go of what we planned and see what happens!

Number three:

Remy, my friend from the street has called a few times now. Only the anger is getting less strong and he rang today to tell me, he wants his life. A life where he can connect with loving people, by taking care of them, by doing in the world what the people he knows have gone out of their way to destroy him can't. Rather like a candle, he will continue to blow in the wind but he has begun to see himself and the light in himself, and sooner than I think or we think, he could set the world on fire.