The end of the A line

This is about seeing anger, letting it play its role and letting it go without judgement.

As I listened once again to the angry story of my friend from the street, now in a central London mental hospital, the destructive quality of his repetitive belief in a quite probably fabricated situation came home to me. I stopped him, again, and again, and again.

I know stopping him isn't going to cure the schizophrenia but it is going to disallow it from being what I see in him. As I have said before, I don't see the story, its truths or lies or where its landed him, as being what frames how I came to know this man. I see that it is a shared compassion, a shared connection with something beyond all the ideas. It is a deep calm gentle space, but in order to get to that space anger has a role to play.

It can burn off the illusion, and can quiet the ego; its impact can be forceful enough to fight with what is dark and untrue. This is the anger I am learning about, but I also see that there is an end to any anger, shortly after it has come into play. And in the wake of anger, it is important to reconnect with love and remember the deep calm gentle space that lies beyond it. That is real.

Existence flows

Perhaps I had been a bit naive. A conversation with two medical students revealed the likelihood of Remy, my friend from the street, being paranoid schizophrenic, even if mildly. I had known that it wasn't just his story that had led me to him so hadn't considered fully the implications of his medical condition. However, on reflection following the medics observations and a further call with Remy in the mental hospital he has been sectioned to, I could immediately see the traits of an illness.

The interesting thing is that the love and role of me as a person who he can trust doesn't change as a result. Listening, even when educated as to the illness, is still an incredible remedy to the sound of a disturbed angry and frustrated mind. His exhaustion is clearly linked with the endless energy of creating an imaginary existence, but this flows away when he is actually connecting with someone.

Growing the connection with that which is conscious and not fabricated or governed by external conditions seems incredibly important. We stop travelling away from what is available in the here and now and sink deeply into that which does not change. And the true blessing is that which does not change really is perfect, complete and free, whoever we are and wherever we find ourselves.

Three short discoveries on letting go of fear

Number one: The tears that come

I had sat and told her that I knew that I had so much love to give and it was so easy to offer, but that deep down I was afraid I might love and give all my life and never be fully loved myself.

"Don't be afraid" she told me "of course you have fears, we all do, but that is just what they are, fears. By letting go of each fear you experience, by seeing it and what it is, you don't have to be that fear or be governed by it."

And the tears became a celebration of no longer needing to hold on to that fear, a gift of relief from the heaviest and most deeply carried burden.


Number two: Meandering

Cycling through London it seemed everyone in their cars was swearing and almost crying with the frustration of being a driver in rush hour. I imagined a film in which those awful moments when drivers really lose it, when they assault other road users, when they scream at themselves, were shown. Followed by the statement 'There is another way. Cycle'

Then a cyclist cut up another cyclist and they were swearing and everyone was annoyed at the log jam on the cycle lane. Nobody could see how beautiful the light was as the sun was in the final throws of setting.

So rather than stay on the main roads with everyone speeding to get to their next destination I took a different route. I didn't think about which way I would go or how convenient or fast it would be, I slowed right down and saw beautiful buildings and people walking along, enjoying the slight Autumn chill creeping in. If there is ever the option, if there is ever no real need to rush, we should take the time to let go of what we planned and see what happens!

Number three:

Remy, my friend from the street has called a few times now. Only the anger is getting less strong and he rang today to tell me, he wants his life. A life where he can connect with loving people, by taking care of them, by doing in the world what the people he knows have gone out of their way to destroy him can't. Rather like a candle, he will continue to blow in the wind but he has begun to see himself and the light in himself, and sooner than I think or we think, he could set the world on fire.