I am deeply grateful for the time to be. The time without ideas or destinations or strategies- when the only real activity is to let go, to keep letting go.
I find myself sitting by the Serpentine in London and as I sit, seagulls swoop and flock across the water...lifting together like a heavy cloud before dissolving away from each other and filling the sky with specks. Across the water the sun hits bright metal on the inline skater's skates as he dances through and round and in between his markers. Londoners and foreigners and dogs; people on bikes, people on phones and people in boats travel passed my bench- moving, on their way. It is only just Spring, but optimism has been rediscovered in the simple fact we can be outdoors without shivering.
And I am fulfilled by the chance to just watch: patterns and rhythm, sounds and colours, life in motion- it is enough to see, to have seen, before re-entering the play,
Wednesday 17 March 2010
A space to B
On my 21st birthday my godfather wrote to me signing off from his duties, and gave me some advice: 'The important thing is to be happy, for that means you are being sensible and creative; and to make others happy, for that means that you are a rounded and thoughtful human being.'
To be happy and to infer happiness is not only important, it is the main gift we have to give and to receive as human beings. Frequently I find that being reasonable, creative, and having opportunities to be thoughtful is joyful- as well as being practical, logical and what is needed!
There was a deep sense of joy today- acceptance of what was presented happened peacefully. I watched judgements come up and be let go of. There were even brief experiences of freedom, experiences which came in sharing smiles with strangers, feeling sunshine SPILL across the wide sky, walking slowly through the streets, seeing the invisible beggars, elderly and unfashionable, and seeing Spring open its heart again. The misconception here is that freedom is brief but it is in fact a permanent culture-conscious culture. To cultivate it I must nurture that within me which witnesses creation, clears my vision and strengthens my discrimination- the practice of being.
I am once again looking forward to sharing the journey with you.
To be happy and to infer happiness is not only important, it is the main gift we have to give and to receive as human beings. Frequently I find that being reasonable, creative, and having opportunities to be thoughtful is joyful- as well as being practical, logical and what is needed!
There was a deep sense of joy today- acceptance of what was presented happened peacefully. I watched judgements come up and be let go of. There were even brief experiences of freedom, experiences which came in sharing smiles with strangers, feeling sunshine SPILL across the wide sky, walking slowly through the streets, seeing the invisible beggars, elderly and unfashionable, and seeing Spring open its heart again. The misconception here is that freedom is brief but it is in fact a permanent culture-conscious culture. To cultivate it I must nurture that within me which witnesses creation, clears my vision and strengthens my discrimination- the practice of being.
I am once again looking forward to sharing the journey with you.
Friday 29 January 2010
Change of Address
Today I found the page from the notepad that Remy had first written his name and number on when I met him living on the street. It is a symbol of the friendship that began that day, that came about as a result of seeing something in each other that was not different, but the same. A shared belief that there is always a part of oneself that is perfect and unchanging, that goes about without ideas or limitations and can help where there is a need, can love where there is someone needing loving, can be free and healthy regardless of age or denomination.
Remy is a bright deep soul who has been moved from the mental hospital near Victoria and been relocated to Vancouver, Canada. When we last met this was not what he wanted to happen, but I think he thrives on change and new people, on finding a way beyond his immediate schizophrenia to establish that part of himself which is 100% capable. It resolves my part in the story, knowing that his independent spirit will carry him and ensure he survives, and that really all I ever was, was a mirror for his heart to see he did not to be afraid of himself. The piece of paper is symbolic and I am just like the piece of paper, a symbol of the fact he became able to trust again.
I feel no need to hear how he is, but if I do, that is also easy to meet. Mental health, physical well-being, supportive friends...these are all things I can take for granted. But Remy showed me that these are great treasures, that I am incredibly fortunate and for that, I salute him...Mr Remy John Roy.
Remy is a bright deep soul who has been moved from the mental hospital near Victoria and been relocated to Vancouver, Canada. When we last met this was not what he wanted to happen, but I think he thrives on change and new people, on finding a way beyond his immediate schizophrenia to establish that part of himself which is 100% capable. It resolves my part in the story, knowing that his independent spirit will carry him and ensure he survives, and that really all I ever was, was a mirror for his heart to see he did not to be afraid of himself. The piece of paper is symbolic and I am just like the piece of paper, a symbol of the fact he became able to trust again.
I feel no need to hear how he is, but if I do, that is also easy to meet. Mental health, physical well-being, supportive friends...these are all things I can take for granted. But Remy showed me that these are great treasures, that I am incredibly fortunate and for that, I salute him...Mr Remy John Roy.
Friday 18 December 2009
Working from the heart
Remy was standing outside the hospital and just like the first time we met, I felt the pull of his spirit. A spirit who loves endlessly, fully, generously, sometimes addictively...but who is always looking for more opportunities to love. In a situation where he is literally surrounded by insanity I find it amazing that he has found hope and friendship, and is constantly reaching out to those around him in the mental hospital to disconnect them from their minds, and bring them into some aspect of the real world.
This time we met we spent a short time together having coffee; all the baristas know him and he proudly showed me the Costa t-shirt one of the staff has gifted to him! I could see that his heart was back in the game. His head, as ever bright and articulate, is still clouded by confusing circumstances. There is a deep desire within him to find real peace, a direction and a destination, but it is a desire that is aggitated by the numerous practical and medical questions he is facing.
It is clear that it is not my purpose to provide money, a job, a place to stay. I am here because he trusts me, he knows I am writing this and he knows that what I have seen in him is his true self. It is necessary to drop fear, drop agenda, drop personal interest and to just stay open-hearted, offering to listen with love. I hope that what I hear will in some way reflect back at him and he will see it is the same perfect love in play, because in fact, we are no different.
This time we met we spent a short time together having coffee; all the baristas know him and he proudly showed me the Costa t-shirt one of the staff has gifted to him! I could see that his heart was back in the game. His head, as ever bright and articulate, is still clouded by confusing circumstances. There is a deep desire within him to find real peace, a direction and a destination, but it is a desire that is aggitated by the numerous practical and medical questions he is facing.
It is clear that it is not my purpose to provide money, a job, a place to stay. I am here because he trusts me, he knows I am writing this and he knows that what I have seen in him is his true self. It is necessary to drop fear, drop agenda, drop personal interest and to just stay open-hearted, offering to listen with love. I hope that what I hear will in some way reflect back at him and he will see it is the same perfect love in play, because in fact, we are no different.
Wednesday 18 November 2009
Out of the Blue
The phone rang. I picked it up and it was Remy. My first reaction was slightly shocked.
Over the last few weeks he has come to mind often. I have questioned what unity really is if I couldn't find a way to connect with this man, but I have also known that I couldn't reach out to someone who was being threatening. You might remember, he had suggested that people I knew might also be involved in the conspiracy against him and that as a private spy, I could bring them to settle with him over the £millions he felt he was owed.
Well, he has since undergone cognitive behavioural therapy and rang to apologise. He rang to apologise for his anger, for the endless conspiracy theories he had insisted were true. Whilst he still feels there is an injustice to be righted, the sound in his voice was one of reason, one of practical understanding. He knows how far he has come to face his demons, and that there is further to go, but to have seen even that is quite exceptional.
It is a small miracle that has taken me beyond my small world of frustrations and busyness to connect with someone who's inner work continues to blow me away.
Over the last few weeks he has come to mind often. I have questioned what unity really is if I couldn't find a way to connect with this man, but I have also known that I couldn't reach out to someone who was being threatening. You might remember, he had suggested that people I knew might also be involved in the conspiracy against him and that as a private spy, I could bring them to settle with him over the £millions he felt he was owed.
Well, he has since undergone cognitive behavioural therapy and rang to apologise. He rang to apologise for his anger, for the endless conspiracy theories he had insisted were true. Whilst he still feels there is an injustice to be righted, the sound in his voice was one of reason, one of practical understanding. He knows how far he has come to face his demons, and that there is further to go, but to have seen even that is quite exceptional.
It is a small miracle that has taken me beyond my small world of frustrations and busyness to connect with someone who's inner work continues to blow me away.
Wednesday 14 October 2009
The end of the A line
This is about seeing anger, letting it play its role and letting it go without judgement.
As I listened once again to the angry story of my friend from the street, now in a central London mental hospital, the destructive quality of his repetitive belief in a quite probably fabricated situation came home to me. I stopped him, again, and again, and again.
I know stopping him isn't going to cure the schizophrenia but it is going to disallow it from being what I see in him. As I have said before, I don't see the story, its truths or lies or where its landed him, as being what frames how I came to know this man. I see that it is a shared compassion, a shared connection with something beyond all the ideas. It is a deep calm gentle space, but in order to get to that space anger has a role to play.
It can burn off the illusion, and can quiet the ego; its impact can be forceful enough to fight with what is dark and untrue. This is the anger I am learning about, but I also see that there is an end to any anger, shortly after it has come into play. And in the wake of anger, it is important to reconnect with love and remember the deep calm gentle space that lies beyond it. That is real.
As I listened once again to the angry story of my friend from the street, now in a central London mental hospital, the destructive quality of his repetitive belief in a quite probably fabricated situation came home to me. I stopped him, again, and again, and again.
I know stopping him isn't going to cure the schizophrenia but it is going to disallow it from being what I see in him. As I have said before, I don't see the story, its truths or lies or where its landed him, as being what frames how I came to know this man. I see that it is a shared compassion, a shared connection with something beyond all the ideas. It is a deep calm gentle space, but in order to get to that space anger has a role to play.
It can burn off the illusion, and can quiet the ego; its impact can be forceful enough to fight with what is dark and untrue. This is the anger I am learning about, but I also see that there is an end to any anger, shortly after it has come into play. And in the wake of anger, it is important to reconnect with love and remember the deep calm gentle space that lies beyond it. That is real.
Sunday 4 October 2009
Existence flows
Perhaps I had been a bit naive. A conversation with two medical students revealed the likelihood of Remy, my friend from the street, being paranoid schizophrenic, even if mildly. I had known that it wasn't just his story that had led me to him so hadn't considered fully the implications of his medical condition. However, on reflection following the medics observations and a further call with Remy in the mental hospital he has been sectioned to, I could immediately see the traits of an illness.
The interesting thing is that the love and role of me as a person who he can trust doesn't change as a result. Listening, even when educated as to the illness, is still an incredible remedy to the sound of a disturbed angry and frustrated mind. His exhaustion is clearly linked with the endless energy of creating an imaginary existence, but this flows away when he is actually connecting with someone.
Growing the connection with that which is conscious and not fabricated or governed by external conditions seems incredibly important. We stop travelling away from what is available in the here and now and sink deeply into that which does not change. And the true blessing is that which does not change really is perfect, complete and free, whoever we are and wherever we find ourselves.
The interesting thing is that the love and role of me as a person who he can trust doesn't change as a result. Listening, even when educated as to the illness, is still an incredible remedy to the sound of a disturbed angry and frustrated mind. His exhaustion is clearly linked with the endless energy of creating an imaginary existence, but this flows away when he is actually connecting with someone.
Growing the connection with that which is conscious and not fabricated or governed by external conditions seems incredibly important. We stop travelling away from what is available in the here and now and sink deeply into that which does not change. And the true blessing is that which does not change really is perfect, complete and free, whoever we are and wherever we find ourselves.
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